Recognising DARVO: A Pattern of Emotionally Manipulative Communication

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling blamed for something you didn’t do—or like the whole situation was flipped around to make you the villain?

If so, you may have experienced a manipulation tactic called DARVO. Understanding this pattern can help you stay grounded, protect your boundaries, and respond in ways that keep the focus on the real issue.

What Is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym that stands for:

• Deny
• Attack
• Reverse Victim and Offender

It’s a common pattern used in emotionally manipulative communication, particularly by individuals who feel threatened when confronted about their behaviour. Instead of taking responsibility, they deflect blame and turn the situation around on you.

Breaking Down the DARVO Pattern

1. Deny

The first move is outright denial:

“That’s not what happened.”
“You’re making things up.”
“I never said that.”

This invalidates your experience and shuts down any possibility for accountability.

2. Attack

Next, the person redirects blame by attacking your character or motives:

“You’re too sensitive.”
“You are so impatient and uptight. Why are you making a big deal of this. I’m glad we broke up”.
“This is why no one likes talking to you.”

This puts you on the defensive and shifts attention away from their actions. It also leaves issue unresolved.

3. Reverse Victim and Offender

Finally, they frame themselves as the one being harmed:

“You’re attacking me.”
“I can’t believe you’re accusing me of that.”
“I’m the one who’s hurt here.”

Now you’re stuck justifying your actions, even if you raised your concern calmly and respectfully. In fact, your calm and respectful approach may even be used against you.

Why It’s Important to Recognise DARVO

DARVO can be incredibly disorienting. When you’re on the receiving end, you might:

• Question your own memory
• Feel guilty for speaking up
• Withdraw to avoid further conflict
• End up reassuring or comforting the other person

Recognising this pattern allows you to take a step back and evaluate what’s really going on—rather than reacting emotionally or being drawn into defensiveness.

Real-Life Example

You:

“I felt uncomfortable when you made that joke about me in front of your friends.”

Them (DARVO response):

“That never happened. (Deny) You’re being ridiculous—everyone else laughed. (Attack) Why are you always picking fights and trying to make me feel bad? (Reverse Victim and Offender)”

or

You:

“You were 20 minutes late for handover on Wednesday and Saturday.”

Them (DARVO response):

“I’m not late all the time (Deny). You are so uptight (Attack). You don’t make any allowances for how stressful things are for me. (Reverse Victim Offender).

Sound familiar? You raise a specific, and reasonable issue only to be meet with denial, personal attacks, and a hard core victim stance.

Frustrating – 100%

Unfair – Totally

Worth engaging with – probably not

Yes, you might feel a strong desire or need clarify your original point, justify, over explain or defend yourself. While totally understandable, these approaches are unlikely to be effective. Instead of addressing the original issue or problem, they are likely to respond with another attack on your perceived character defects, ‘unreasonable’ expectations or lack of understanding of the challenges they face.

What’s Next in This Series?

In this blog post series, we’ll show you how to:

• Spot DARVO in texts, emails, and everyday communication
• Decode manipulative responses using a DARVO lens
• Stay grounded and respond (or not respond) with clarity and control

Stay tuned for the next blog.

Looking for support?

If you’re dealing with emotionally manipulative communication in your relationships, therapy can help you find your voice, set boundaries, and rebuild confidence.

Warm regards

Michelle Grosvenor

Principal Psychologist

📍 Associated Psychology Practice – Penrith & Katoomba
🖥️ Face to face or video appointments available

#DARVO #EmotionalManipulation #HealthyBoundaries #TraumaInformedCommunication #PsychologyBlog